Tasty New Hoodie

 

I gulp.

 

£196 has just gone out of my bank account.

 

I have ordered hoodies.

 

Superdry hoodies. Because this is a pandemic. And there ain’t no Superdry in my support bubble. Only I couldn’t just buy one. Well, I could. But I bought one, and it gave me 15% off my next purchase. So my next purchase was enormous. Boom! Who the heck knows how much I got off all those jumpers!!! You’d have to be some kinda crazy person to work that out.

 

I am not a crazy person.

 

Therefore I have spent £196 on jumpers. Obviously, I’m going to send all but one of them back. This way I can try them on and not pay any money. Absolute skills.

 

–

 

It is one massive refund later, and I am woken up by my alarm. It is Sunday, and I am playing bass in church. Like I do every week. Which means I’m on stage.

 

Which means everyone will be able to see how great I look.

 

I grab my new hoodie, and smile. It’s white. It’s bright. It’s tasty. And it’s going to make me the star of the show today. It’s a perfect match! I am white. I am bright… and now… I am tasty.

 

I am going to get so many compliments at church for how tasty I am.

 

–

 

I put the bass guitar down, as The Pastor begins to move into the next bit. I am happy. For several reasons. One of which is that I have officially catwalked my new hoodie.

 

And I am 6 foot 8.

 

Which means everyone knows how tasty I look. I have been the star of the show. The eye candy. The Worship Dessert. I spot Beauty in her social distance seat, and slide on over. She looks at me in a wifely way.

 

“Well done Dan.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

She starts listening to The Pastor.

 

“I assume you mean for looking so tasty.”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re saying well done for wearing such a tasty hoodie. For being The Worship Dessert.”

 

She looks at me in a wifely way.

 

“No, I was saying well done for playing bass.”

 

Oh.

 

“Like you do every week.”

 

The Pastor pastors. And soon the service is over. And I am ready. Primed to absorb the melee of hoodie-based compliments. I am The Worship Dessert, and I’m about to hear about how tasty I am.

 

Actress comes over. We haven’t seen her in a while, so this is exciting. She’s young, fashionable, and knows me well enough to tell me I’m like a sugary snack.

 

She does not tell me I’m like a sugary snack.

 

But it’s not her fault! Because someone’s come over and joined the conversation! And now her attention is on him instead of my hoodie. I sigh. It’s fine. There’s plenty of time left. I go over to pack up my bass, and see new friend Will. He’s young, fashionable, and knows me well enough to tell me I’m like a visual feast. He is also learning bass, and jumps at the chance to have me tell him how terrible he is at bass.

“You’re getting less terrible, Will.”

 

Will smiles.

 

And does not tell me that I’m like a visual feast.

 

I sigh, and go over to Rugby. He’s young, fashionable, and knows me well enough to tell me I’m a risk to diabetics. I tell him about a woman whose house was so dirty that she called the house a cow.

 

Rugby laughs.

 

And does not tell me I’m a risk to diabetics.

 

I sigh.

 

–

 

I climb out of the car. Which is pretty easy with the door open. Which it is. Because I opened it. Beauty and I are doing a food shop after church.

 

“Can you believe it?”

 

“Believe what?” asks Beauty.

 

“I didn’t get any compliments about my new hoodie. I only ever wear like three hoodies. You’d have thought someone would have noticed me wearing something different.”

 

“Well it has been summer for ages, maybe everyone’s forgotten about your hoodies?”

 

“Yeah… but even so! This is a new hoodie! It’s white! It’s bright! It’s tasty! I was The Worship Dessert today and not one person came up to me and told me that.”

 

Beauty looks at me in a wifely way.

 

“I should ask for my money back.”

 

“From church?” she asks.

“Yeah.”

 

Silence.

 

“What money?” asks Beauty.

 

“Fair point.”

 

I open the car’s boot-tocks and grab a pile of bags.

 

“Do you have your pound coin for the trolley?” I ask. Beauty looks in her purse, as something happens.

 

Something terrifying.

 

A wasp lands on my chest! Three inches below my chin! It’s been attracted to me…. because of my white, bright, tasty new hoodie!

 

I decide to do what I don’t always do in these situations. Because usually I brush it away with a flip-flop. And that would mean driving home to get one. I take the hood-string-tassle-thing on the front of the hoodie and I gamble.

 

I poke the wasp.

 

Silence.

 

It leaves.

 

I exhale.

 

Beauty smiles.

“There you go, Dan.”

 

“Eh?”

 

“At least the wasp thought you looked tasty.”

 

I smile, and Beauty buys me something for lunch.

 

And it is tasty.