I sigh, as the laptop I am editing a movie on freezes. Windows Movie Maker is somehow so good, and yet so terrible. Which is also how my movies have been described.
I should get better software.
I have been locked down at home for three months, and have grown tired of everything there is to do at home.
Except youtube. There is always more youtube.
And my favourite non-Peter Kay comedian has started his own youtube channel. Jim Gaffigan comedy clips. Jim Gaffigan is great. And he talks about food a lot. Which is great. Because I eat about food a lot. I click Jim Gaffigan’s face as I wait for the laptop to thaw.
And smile.
Jim Gaffigan looks confused for a moment, and asks himself a hilarious question.
“Did I go to Wendy’s twice today?”
I laugh. Because I would go to Wendy’s twice in a day. It’s a mad thing to do. Wendy’s is so unhealthy it’s bad to go every week! To go twice in a day you’d have to be an actual madman. But I love Wendy’s. I’ve been to Canadian Wendy’s, and bought their amazing baconator burger lots of times. Because I’m only ever in Canada for less than forever, and I can’t get Wendy’s in England. Or Taco Bell. Or Tacotime. Or Quizno’s.
Or 7-Eleven.
I sigh, and feel a moment of slurpee heaviness.
We don’t get those places, but we do get Subway. And KFC. And Burger King.
We obviously get McDonald’s.
Jim Gaffigan starts talking about McDonald’s, and how nobody admits to going there.
I’ll admit to going there. But it’s fine, I make it OK. I’m not a madman. I make it healthy. I only have a McFlurry. And two double cheeseburgers. But McDonald’s is closed because of the lockdown. Or it has been. Until like a week ago. When the queues for McDonald’s were so long they were blocking ambulances in gridlock.
I am not like those people. I can wait to have another McFlurry. And two double cheeseburgers. I’m not an animal.
The laptop runs out of battery.
I sigh.
And finish watching Jim Gaffigan. Beauty will be working for a few more hours. And I am bored. I want to do something. I want to do the un-doable.
I want to go to McDonald’s.
It’s fine. It’s been a week. And I have played it cool. I’m not a McDonald’s Madman. I am a restrained McDonald’s connoisseur. I am urbane. Cool. Stylish.
I grab my trainers with mouths and shout to Beauty that I am going to McDonald’s. Because why not. And because I am suave. She asks what I am getting. Which is funny, because she knows what I’m getting. Every time ever.
“A McFlurry. And two double cheeseburgers.”
She looks oddly at me, and has questions. Which I had not expected. I was not expecting this actual human woman to have thoughts and feelings. Let alone about McDonald’s. She looks at me importantly.
“So… is this dinner?”
“No. I’m just going because I’m bored. And it’s been long enough that it’s not loserish to go. I’m not a McDonald’s Madman.”
“Ummm. Ok.” She says, before sheepishly going back to work.
I decide to be nice, and to buy a drink for her. She can enjoy that while working. I’m such a thoughtful husband. I look at my wife and completely know her.
Boom.
I shoot to the car and find my way to the McCar Park. It takes 15 minutes to get there, and it is an exciting 15 minutes! Full of sunshine! And people sitting in the doorways of their shops sunbathing and stopping customers from coming in! I zoom past, and pull up into The Queue. No ambulances anywhere. I’m so cool. I bide a small amount of my time, before a stranger hands me my mysterious brown bag, and I park up. In the sunshine. The glory. I am back at McDonald’s, and to celebrate, I have ordered….
A McFlurry.
And a quarter pounder.
I look at the quarter pounder, and feel a pang of weakness. I have betrayed myself. For the thrill of the moment. My two double cheeseburgers remain in the stomach orphanage of a freezer, and I am locking lips with the queen’s burger. I smile, and stick Jim Gaffigan on my phone as I munch, before McFlurrying, and heading home to give Beauty the coke I’ve only had a few sips of. I know my wife so well at all times.
I open the door, and rip off Fred Flinstone.
“Honey, I’m home!”
She isn’t. I browse, until I find her, having some emergency sunshine on the garden chair. She looks really happy.
“I’m not happy, Dan.”
Oh.
“Why?”
“I feel disappointed.”
“Why?”
“You went to McDonald’s and I missed out.”
I smile.
“No, you didn’t!”
She instantly perks up.
“Didn’t I?”
I feel a surge of excitement run through me. I am going to get a Marvel movie date for this! I tell her to close her eyes.
“I have got you….”
I put the coke in her hands.
“A coke.”
She looks satisfied.
“Is that it?”
What?
“I hoped you’d get me some proper McDonald’s! Not just half a drink!”
I stare at her.
“Technically, there’s no such thing as half a liquid…”
“Dan!”
Her face drops. Not literally. Although kind of.
“I just wanted to go to McDonald’s too. I feel like I’ve missed out.”
I look at her. And love her.
And sigh.
And go to McDonald’s twice today.
I'm Dan! And I Blog The News! 