The Joys Of Living In University Halls

Posted: September 1, 2012 in As If I Actually Ended Up Going To Uni, Chawn


I am smiling, and taking care of the washing up whilst calling it ‘the fallout’ when Roger and Roger’s Fiancée walk into the kitchen, laughing about carrying dogs through crime scenes. They’re making a dinner of nearly-married class, while my tinned spaghetti excitedly watches the broccoli boil.


So, Dan. Roger tells me that you’re going to Wolves Uni. D’you know where you’ll be living?”


Yeah, I’ve gone for the cheapest option. The next step up is an extra £1,000! A grand essentially for your own personal toilet. I could buy my own toilet for that. Or hire a bloke to clean up after me wherever I let it fall.”


Urgh. True. What’s the place called?”


Erm… Randall Lines?”


Randall Lines?”


Erm… yep.”


She laughs.


I smile.


Why are you laughing?”


Oh, no it’s fine. I’ve just heard stories about Randall Lines. Idiots set off the fire alarms constantly and you’re not allowed to just stay in your room.”


I’ll sleep with earplugs.”


No, you can’t. The security guards will come and get you.”



Yeah. Well, you said you wanted the cheapest!”


Roger smiles, and waggles his fingers.


You’ll probably be fine, dear boy.”



It is a few months later, and I’m on the sound desk at Roger’s wedding rehearsal, where I have met Roger’s Fiancée’s Mate.


Randall Lines?”




She laughs.


I don’t smile.


What! Why are you laughing?”


Oh, no it’s fine. I’ve just heard stories about Randall Lines. Idiots setting off the fire alarms constantly. But that was, like, ten years ago.”




She smiles.


You’ll probably be fine.”



It is a few months later, and we are into Halls Day #3. It’s quiet, with no fire alarms. It’s lovely! I can play really loud electric guitar through my massive amp without having to worry about people being noisy. But now I’m bored of my room. I’ve got my room sussed. Sussed. And now I want to break beyond the boundaries of my bedroom! I want to delve! To explore the recesses of Wolverhampton! The history! Steve Bull! And…therest! There’s even a KFC somewhere.


I decide to start small, and begin exploring the corridor. And in underan hour it’s sussed.


It’s a corridor.




This sucks.


Hang on… I remember seeing something! A door. A secret door! That secret door at the end of the hall! It probably leads to Narnia! Or Kidderminster! I run up to the door. It is large, and doorlike; but I know the weakness of doors. I smile wickedly, and push. I produce a small sound. And am suddenly very pleased at my solitude. The door opens, and it’s brilliant! It’s a rubbish chute! It’s lovely! But probably only big enough for one foot.


I remove my foot.


A chute! In Wolverhampton! Wow! What else might I find? Maybe some dogs! Or a big TV! I smile, and begin to walk back to my room. The modern day Shackleton. Tom Shackleton. I am ice picking through the corridor when I spot something. A door. Anothersecret door! I smile. Wickedly.


And push.




Oh no!!!


I’ve set offthefire alarm! Without any actual fire! It’s a hoax! I’m a criminal! I’ve wasted the fire service’s time! And me studying health! We’re on the sameteam! It’s friendly fire! Wait… would that count?


I’m definitely probably going to get a fine. There’s no way this can possibly get any worse! Wait! If I don’t own up I’ll make it worse!


I run downstairs to own up, and have to wait 45 minutes for an engineer. I apologise profusely to everyone I see, and sheepishly head back to my hall. I storm angrily to the door to see what happened.


I look down.


Way down.




At a sign.


At a sign my belt did not consider worth mentioning…




I sigh, and collapse on my bed. And it hits me. Not the bed. Because that would mean it had arms. No, no. That would be ridiculous. Beds are not chairs.


I lie back, and realise… I’m an alarming idiot!


I sigh.


And go and boil some broccoli.











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