Give Quiche A Chance

Act 1

In Which Dan Wants To Be On Page 3

 

I hear a knock at the door. I am at the end of teaching a guitar lesson, and Student Mike is jamming with my iPod. I answer the door, and find Student Mike’s Mom ready to taxidermy her son home. I have an idea! And sneak Student Mike’s Mom in to have a listen.

She bursts into the room! And matches her son’s look of horror as she glimpses the visual cacophany of dodgy electrical equipment, DVDs, bikes, weights and five large TVs. She’s discovered my cash converters homage! The kind of congealed metallic mutant that will get me on Page 3 of The Metro. And nothing else.

She has a thought.

“Dan, do you need a TV?”

I look around the room. At our TV hospice.

“Erm…”

We obviously don’t need a TV. But then, you can never have enough TVs! They’re like broccoli.

I squeeze my eyes.

“What kind of TV?”

“It’s a 30-inch widescreen with a big base.”

My mouth waters.

I go into the lounge and scope out the current house #1 CRT. It’s fine. It shows you most of the screen. But widescreen? The magic word of 90s tech! How could I turn down such an offer? How dare I? This is my chance to get the Wow of Now! If now was 15 years ago.

I think back to 15 years ago. And remember the power rangers.

And my decision is made.

“Mastodon!”

“Pardon?”

“Erm… sorry; yes please.”

Act 2

In Which Big Boots Gives Quiche A Chance

I am washing up when Big Boots arrives from a work party and pounces on the prospect of a chat about the prospect of the new old TV.

“Just think, Dan! We could watch Noel’s House Party!”

“And Gladiators!”

“Oh man! How hot is Jet?”

“She’s pretty hot. Anyway, how was your work do?”

We’re English. And actually use the word ‘do’.

“My work doing what?”

“As in your work party.”

“Ah. It was alright. There was a lot of quiche.”

“Quiche.”

Big Boots nods. And stares at me.

“Oh.” 

“There was a ridiculous amount of quiche. They had to get rid of it but nobody liked it so I brought a load home for you.”

Big Boots is clearly enjoying exploiting my excessive eating. When he gets a promotion I’ll be owed 20%, which I will gladly accept in quiche. I am enjoying the fact that Big Boots brings me food. He would make a decent squirrel. If he was a bit taller.

He shows me the quiche.

I eat quiche.

And fridge the rest.

Mournfully.

Act 3

In Which Dan Does A Deal

There’s a knock at the door. It’s Student Mike, walking backwards. He’s holding one half of a giant TV. It’s cubic, so you know it’s good.

I do some maths.

It’s 900 inches! Student Mike and Student Mike’s Mom carry the beast into my front room.

It’s a beast.

“That’s a beast! Can I give you some money for it?”

“No, of course not! I’m just glad to get rid of the thing.”

I feel guilty. This is a great gift. But what could I give someone? Tiny little me? Rattlesnakes and butterflies?

Hang on.

“Do you like quiche at all?”

“I do, actually!”

Student Mike’s Mom proudly walks down the lane with a beautiful pie.

I have swapped a quiche for an awesome TV.

I smile.

I should be in The Metro.