The Battle Of Kedleston Lake

Posted: April 15, 2013 in Back To The Edge, The World Needs More Canada

kedleston battle

I am in Canada, at the fabled Kedleston lake. It’s 35 degrees and my team of Street Invaders are enjoying a game of beach volleyball on their afternoon off.

“Hey, who wants to go in the lake?”

The girls have made the first move, and the boys are well up for some watery action. Except for me.

Because I know the truth.

Water. Dan Mohr. They don’t mix. Like Frankie Boyle and human decency. Or John Terry and morality. I’ve never been a good swimmer. I especially hate going underwater. Or worse! Opening my eyes underwater! I hate it so much that I deliberately never learnt to swim in primary school because I saw the next group up going underwater. While I was rubbish, I was safe. Frodo should have just not taught the ring to swim. Would have saved him plenty of blisters.

“You coming, Dan?”

Big Dog has seen me lingering, and doesn’t want me to miss out on the fun.

“No, I’m alright, cheers Big Dog. I’m just gonna hang out here and play Johnny’s guitar.”

I explain my hesitation, but Big Dog is tenacious. Like a dog. Like a small dog.

“You really can’t swim, Dan?”

Well. I did swim a few hundred metres with The Unceasingly Stylish Dave Jones in Menorca once. And out into the centre of the refridgerated Lake Coniston with The Edge.

“Well… I guess I can, but I’m not very good.”

“You’ll be alright, Dan.”

He’s probably right. I decide to have a go at swimming out to the offshore wooden platform. Renae is sat on it sunbathing. I decide to pull her off. until I realise that would mean going underwater for subtlety.

Not an option.

I decide to team up with Kaylee, who ducks underwater, and I smile. This is going to be great. I watch, as Kaylee gets close… and gets… into conversation with Renae!

Drat it!

I give up, and spot Shine and Chelsea riding a pedal-o. I swim by, and they tell me not to climb aboard.

I climb aboard.

And somehow tip them both off. They whine, but are soon distracted by conversation with Renae. I smile. For I am in command! Of a pedal-o! I see War Horse and Big Dog canoeing, and smile.

Perhaps today is a good day to die.

“Ramming speed!”

I pedal as hard as I can, but am still nowhere near ramming speed. Slowly I edge towards the canoe, until I gently nudge them to much disappointment. But I am not done! I maintain my deluge of delicate attack until my pedal-o is filled with water, and I have somehow usurped War Horse’s place in the canoe, while War Horse is stranded on a sinking pedal-o furiously de-flooding with a canoe oar.

I rob the oar.

Big Dog and I leave War Horse to flounder and it’s perfect.

“See Dan, I told you this would be great!”

“Yeah, man! You were right!”

We canoe about for a bit until we are the undisputed kings of a small bit of water. Big Dog begins to relax, and delve into his co-regent’s watery past.

“Have you never been in a canoe before, then?”

“Erm, I went kayaking once with the guy out of The Walking Dead.”


“Apparently. He definitely lifted a kayak with me at the end. I didn’t know celebrities lifted things.”

I smile, and survey the scene. War Horse is swimming back to shore. Jamieson is taking a photograph of a fat man without a shirt.

“Oh, and there is one other thing…”

“What’s that?”

“I was nearly in London this summer doing a bit of rowing.”

“London… this summer… the Olympics?

“Yeah, that was it.”

You were nearly at the Olympics?

I explain how I signed up to a rowing competition for a laugh and got shortlisted for Olympic trials mostly because I’m bigger than East Timor.

“That’s right. I’m basically an Olympian.

basically an Olympic rower?!”

I smile.


I move slightly.

We capsize.

We emerge from the water and I have pain in my eyelids from forcing them shut so hard.

“Probably a good thing you weren’t in the Olympics.”

I splutter, and sigh.

And go and have a conversation with Renae.

  1. jamieson says:

    hahahaa so awsome

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