Wielding Uni Rep Power

Posted: March 1, 2013 in As If I Actually Ended Up Going To Uni, Back To The Edge, One More For Love




I am with Big Boots in his new flat, listening to him tell me how he’s recently started re-watching The IT Crowd as he passes me a can of pepsi from his now classic ever-ready supply. I feel something. Something deep inside. It’s my phone. Dancing like a small gazelle trying to be Happy Feet. I pick it up. It licks me.




“Hi, is that Dan Mohr?”


“Yes. Is that?”




“Who’s this?”


“Oh. This is the student union at uni. Just calling to ask if you can make the next student union council meeting.”


I have been to none of them. For mostly good reason. And don’t really want to go to this one.




“Because it’s gonna be in the holidays and we need a minimum amount of people.”


“Right… I’m not sure if I can.”


“OK. Can you let us know?”




I hang up.


And switch on The IT Crowd. And forget to let them know. I smile, as Chris Morris declares war on stress, clicking his fingers to illustrate the number of people dying from stress. I may have moved away from Big Boots, but sometimes a friendship beats circumstance.


I ask for more pepsi.


Big Boots says “yis.



It is next week, and I’m with future housemate Anders Limpar, eating jacket potatoes in the student union lounge. We’ve taken care of business, and are discussing housemateship when I am approached.


By a woman.


By a woman who sits next to me. It’s Hazel, who’s just made me realise that I don’t know what colour hazel is. She works for the uni, and has come to hear my ideas as School Rep. She hears them. And smiles.


“Will I see you at student union council later then, Dan?”


Hang on… I have just been asked….. out!


By a woman!


By a woman sitting next to me!




“Ok, great! Then I’ll look forward to hearing your report.”


Hang on… …what?


I stare at Anders. With Bill Bailey eyes. He smiles back at me.


He really smiles.




“Erm… no, yeah. That’ll probably be fine.”


She smiles, and disappears, as Anders laughs at me.


“I really hope you didn’t think she was asking you out there, Dan.”


I stare at Anders. With Bill Bailey eyes.


He really smiles.


“You definitely thought she was asking you out.”


I drop some potato on my jeans.



It is later, and I am at the meeting. Where I will soon say something about what I’ve been doing. Which is nothing. Which sounds like nothing. I decide to have another slice of brain-augmenting-free-pizza while the meeting continues. It’s boring, and I find myself daydreaming. About visiting Joint Best Friend Phil last weekend. About living with Joint Best Friend Big Boots. About watching…


Hang on…!


I smile. And have no more free pizza. I know what I have to do, and have pre-performance butterflies. Which is good, because protein is nice. Unless you ate it pure. In which case you’d probably need to coat it in sugar. But then it’d be like a jelly baby with a real baby inside, and that’s got to be expensive.


Ok, thank you school reps. We’ll move on now to…”


Hang on, the school reps are finished! And nobody’s noticed me! But I’m ready! I game on.


“Erm… I’m a school rep. Should I probably say something?”


The room laughs. Though I’m not quite sure why. A man who likes triangular bubbles shakes my hand. Though I’m not quite sure why.


I smile, and begin.


“I am declaring war!”


I fist the table.


“I am declaring war on disparity! Disparity is a disease, people! And I’m the cure! I’m a doctor with a cure! No, I’m not, I’m a general! And it’s still a war! A war on disease! DISPARITY!


People are staring at me. Possibly shell-shocked. Or verbally murdered. I smile. It’s probably fine. It’s probably because this is such a good report. I smile, and continue.


“Every few seconds, a person dies from disparity.”


I click my fingers.


“There’s one.”


I click my other fingers.


“There’s another! Mayhem! We’ve gotta deal with it!”


I explain how I’ve been tackling targets disparity on the course, and then sit back in my chair, and smile. A verbal serial killer! I’ve given the best report ever! The chair asks if there are any questions. Simeon looks at me. My friend. A man I trust. A man whose hand I shake ceaselessly.


“What do you mean by disparity?”




“Erm. On the course and that.”




I move swiftly on, to talk about a lack of recycling around campus, but realise that the uni last night won a green uni award. I decide to congratulate them, and ask everybody to raise their plastic cups in a toast.


Which they do.


They all do.


As I notice my green hoodie. And invite anyone wearing green to stand.


Which they do.


They both do.


I smile, as the council approves my report and the meeting closes. Hazel walks over.


“Your challenge next time Dan, is to do an even more entertaining report!”


She laughs, and gives me the rest of the free pizza.


I smile.


She smiles, and clicks her fingers.





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