Admiring The Toilet Cleaner

Posted: October 1, 2012 in As If I Actually Ended Up Going To Uni, Back To The Edge, The World Needs More Canada

I am in a van, on the right side of the road. Looking backwards. And having a quiet word with several Canadian children. I am a Street Invader, and tonight, my team are going to the homeless shelter.

“And if there’s anything you really don’t want to do… do it. And look happy about it.”

I am making sure the team show a good attitude to voluntary service. Why couldn’t they be more like me? Or… Renae?

Renae is my junior leader, and has the smiling heart of a servant. She’s wonderful. She would clean a toilet with only her tongue. And smile. Amazing. I decide to inspire the troops with tales of my time with LifeFORCE, when I went to the homeless shelter. I am a man that can even compete with Renae!

But wouldn’t.

Because she would batter me.

With only her tongue.

“This woman said to me ‘How do you feel about cleaning toilets?’ and I clapped my hands and said ‘Let’s do it!’ when inside I definitely didn’t want to. SO! If anyone asks you to clean a toilet, that’s what you’ve gotta say.”

I turn and face the front, and see two hot air balloons. Only one is a real balloon. And a lot closer. And is about to hit the windscreen. My co-leader Long Distance Claire-a screams.

I smile, and bob my head to John Mayer.

“So Dan, how do you feel about cleaning toilets?”

Oh no!

I clap. And sigh.

“Let’s do it.”

I am at the shelter, and have managed to convince the shelter’s captain of my toilet-cleaning urges through the use of short-lived palm-based rhythm. Shelter’s Captain shows me the gents’ toilets and hands me a bucket. I get to work, and am immediately hounded by Undseth and War Horse running past, clapping their hands in my face. I sigh, and clean. I am wondering who the Captain will get to do the girls’ loos when I hear a sound.


Cake bursts into my mind, and floods it with years of delicious Harborne memories. I turn, ever so slightly, to see who has done me such an edgy deed and see someone in my peripheral vision. It’s a girl. A smiley girl. With a bucket! It’s Renae! I smile. That is classic! She is such a servant. A comrade. A scrubber. I decide to acknowledge Renae’s encouraging outburst with a similarly team-building reply. She and I are a team. And she’s about to feel like it. I smile, and bellow.

“Yes Renae! Great job! You and me! In the toilets! Come one! All the way!”

I scrub harder, and faster. And it feels good. Renae is probably licking the women’s urinals right now and that’s not good news… that’s great news!

I pick up my bucket, and head over to the other bloke’s bog.

It is done. The great transaction’s done. The male bogs are clean, and I am not. I am putting my bucket away and washing my hands using a university-endorsed technique when I hear Shelter’s Captain’s gots-the-powers-to-scare-all-the-mens-like-y’know-dow-y’getme-sices voice.

“Ok! Street Invaders! I need a volunteer to do the women’s washrooms.”

I smile, for not only has Renae already obliterated the women’s washrooms, but it seems that Canadians are actually washing in the toilets. This is why they never had an empire.

“Shelter’s Captain! It’s fine! Renae’s already done the girl’s loos.”

“No, I haven’t…”


I look around.

At Renae.

Who is clearly in the midst of a lengthy dishwashing routine. And has no toilet rolls on her tongue. Or cute but recently-CGI’d puppies. Long Distance Claire-a bursts out laughing, while Renae looks a bit red. Bless her. She’s worked so hard that she’s become pyrexic. Or angry. Don’t worry Renae. We all hate plates.

Scared Of Balloons Claire-a explains that Renae had came up to her an hour earlier and told her that I’d said something confusing to her in the toilets.

“Dan! You said to Renae… ‘Renae! Great job!…”

Yep. Encouragement. Possibly an English concept.

“….You and me!….”

Wait, hang on…

“…..In the toilets!….”

Oh heck no…..!

“….All the way!'”

I am a 6 foot 8 tomato, and Renae is now giggling. As is the entire room. I decide to flee the room at the next available opportunity.

“Who wants to clean the girls’ toilets, then?”

I sigh.

“Let’s do it.”

Renae claps.


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