Reaching The Wrong Side of 25

It is bedtime, but I have decided to douse myself in Fifa before leaving this world. I smile, and revel in my first up-to-date football game since those seagulls gave Eric Cantona his P45. I put the disc in the PS3’s mouth, and am immediately disappointed. This is the future! We’ve got re-sealable chocolate packaging! And laxatives! So many laxatives! Yet I still have to spoonfeed this neanderthal nanotechnology. It should come and find the disc! Be a hunter-gatherer! How dare it demand such daring-do of its’ users whilst stagnating like series two of Lost! it should scuttle heroically around my house and attack my housemates! And film it!

I sigh.

Nintendo just isn’t trying any more.

“You gonna get the Xbox One, Dan?” interposes Anders Limpar.

“Erm. Probably not no. I heard that it won’t work without the internet. And that it won’t play borrowed games. I mean, what the heck’s up with that?”

“Well they’re missing out on money if people are lending each other games.”

“So? Aren’t they spending millions on these games? That means they have millions. And nobody can ever borrow a game again! What if you wanna borrow your mate Rich Moss Wars?”

“They’re greedy. And you won’t be able to get the bears off the DLC.”

I sigh. I hate donkey lizard children. I remember when consoles were simple. When arguments over whose was best on the way home from school while Phil made explosions with his hands was their whole point.

“Also now you can have loads of cool online features. Like say if you’re stuck, your mate in another house somewhere can take over for you and help you out.”

“What kind of man asks for help? In fact, if you’re a real man like me, you spend all your time doing productive things! Like economics! And …infrastructure! what kind of real man actually even plays computer games? A man without any toes probably. Who buys them as replacement toes.”

Anders stares at me blankly.

“Dan… didn’t you get a special award for playing 50 hours of your last football game?”

Silence.

He’s got me there.

“Shut your mom’s face.”

“Also, don’t forget that it’s got way higher processing power. Processing power Dan! Better graphics! In-game interaction! You can slap whoever or whatever you want!”

“These games already look real! It’s just like DVD and Blu-Ray. There’s no real difference. And I can already slap whoever I want.”

“Look, Dan. I’m getting sick of this. Let me explain it easily for your very Mohrish brain. It’s all about….. HD.”

My eyebrows get a raise. And immediately increase their cost of living. And are gutted. I feel for bad for them, so give them a little tickle, before turning back to Anders.

“Look at my DVDs, Kanchelskis Wannabe! When am I going to need to see Mean Girls in HD?”

“You know what Dan?”

“I just think you’re old.”

I sigh, and go and make myself a hot chocolate before bed.

—

It is a few days later, and I have just had all my friends chuck balls in my face. It is my birthday, and I’ve just fallen out of Go Kids Go with most of my body intact. I kicked a pipe. And it really hurt. I climb into Beauty’s car as we head to Subway to gang up on the bread and destroy it. It’ll be like communion. But with more war.

“Man, I can’t believe how much I’m caning after that.”

Beauty smiles.

“I know. I’m the same.”

“John said he thinks I’m getting old. I mean, I’m twenty-seven!”

Beauty turns and stares at me.

“Dan. I’m twenty-nine!”

I stare at her. And she looks good.

“So it’s a good job you’re old, because otherwise you couldn’t be with me!”

“What?! You think I’m old too?!?!?!”

“Dan, you just went to a kids play house for your birthday! I’m pretty sure you’ll be a kid forever!”

We smile, and I invite her back to my place to make the ugliest player we can on feef.

She says no.