The Gunpowder Plot

Posted: July 19, 2011 in Chawn

My Top 10 Film Quotes:

10) “Where d’you get those clothes? The… toilet… store?”

Steve Carell, Anchorman


9) “I just want to tell you both, good luck. We’re all counting on you.”

Leslie Nielsen, Airplane


8) “A martini; with a lot of olives. At least three olives.”

Gwyneth Paltrow, Iron Man


7) “I hear he done it to curry favour with the guards, or, make a few friends among us cons. Me? I hear he did it just to feel normal again; if only for a short while.” Morgan Freeman, The Shawshank Redemption


6) “Everyone and their moms is packin’ round ‘ere.” “Like who?” “Farmers.” “Who else?” “Farmer’s moms.”

Rafe Spall and Simon Pegg, Hot Fuzz


5) “I have GOT to get me one of these!” Will Smith, Independence Day


4) [punch] “Welcome to Earth!” Will Smith, Independence Day


3) “Perhaps today is a good day to die!”

Michael Dorn, Star Trek: First Contact


2) [on hearing that there are zombies everywhere] “What shall we do?” [shrugs shoulders] “Have a sit down?”

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Shaun Of The Dead


1) “You rats!” Richard Moss, Deep Underground: The Movie


There’s something about films. And making films is even better. Me and Big Boots have made them for years, and we have props. Lots of props.

Which lie around the house. Dormant. Ripe.

For prankage.

It all started one glorious afternoon, as I and Big Boots found one of our hilariously realistic toy guns in the hall. Naturally, we hid it in Roger’s work coat pocket. Unfortunately he clocked on before he clocked in. And put it back on the hall table.

Ready for prankage.

Then I came home and found the gun, innocently lying on the table. But now with a taste for tomfoolery! I looked up, and saw the shoes.

And did something.


It is now Saturday, and tonight is guys’ night. Roger and I are heading to the glorious house of Savage. I love guys’ nights. A chance for guys to have a laugh. To revel in shared manhood. To play cards.

“Are you ready to go, dear boy?”

Roger’s waiting by the door, unarmed in his glorious coat and scarf. It’s cold, and Savage’s house is a good walk away. I look at my coats, and choose the beefiest. The dark trenchcoat that makes me feel all David Boreanaz. I take it off the hook. It’s heavy. Strangely heavy.

I put my hand in the pocket and find a large can of de-icer. And …two toy guns! I take them out and Roger laughs. Until I point one at him. And he laughs even harder.

I’m suspicious. I stare accusingly at my coat, but realise that it’s already off the hook.

Hang on… Yes…!

I have totally forgotten that I am a victim of prankage and devised a cunning plan. I put a gun into my pocket, and give Roger the other. And wonder how many turnips I could shoot with a toy gun.

At least four or five.


30 minutes later Savage opens his door. Truckstonite is with us. And has been knocking the door uncontrollably for a few minutes.

Savage smiles. But not at Truckrotography.

“Welcome to ours! There’s punch in the kitchen!”

I take off my Angel, and leave him by Savage’s toilet door, before running through the plan with Roger.

“So, I’ll wait for a stressful moment in the card games, when everybody’s really competitive and things are going badly for me, and then I’m going to pull out my gun and demand that I win the game. That’s when you’ll pull out yours and force me to back down at gunpoint! Got it?”

“Erm… yes, dear boy; except, what if I’m not paying attention and miss my cue?”

“I’ll use a phrase! And catch your eye. I’m gonna say ‘This is getting flipping ridiculous.’ Got it?”


“Ok. Good luck, we’re all counting on you.”


The games start, and I actually start to win and forget about the plan; but soon, I have remembered. Because I’m losing. And losing fast. I decide to start building the tension.

“Man, this sucks!”

I become increasingly vocal, and can see Gibson looking surprised by my outbursts. This is great! The Savage Corral Showdown’ll be amazing! People’ll think everyone and their mom’s are packin’ round here! It’ll be brilliant! Theatrical! Film Four!

I build the tension a little bit more.

“Man! This is rubbish! I’m losing so badly here! Well perhaps today is a good day to die!”

Chezney Hawkes and The Newton Dance are starting to look uncomfortable, and World Renowned (but not for his cooking skills) Chef Dave quietly asks me if I’m ok.


My gun’s been in my pocket for a couple of hours now, and is starting to shape the pocket and look a bit obvious. I need to say the cue now.

I drop the bomb.

“Gaaahhh… This is flipping ridiculous!

I am trying to catch Roger’s eye to see if he’s heard me. He evades, and I carry on playing until he sees me. I may or may not need to say it again. For goodness’ sake! Roger! This is why we had a phrase!


Roger has secretly heard me say the line, but is annoyed at having had to have an uncomfortable gun-shaped pocket for the last two hours. He decides that it would just be funny to put the gun on the table, and see what reactions he gets.

Roger puts his gun by his cards.

“Is that… a gun?

Irish Colin is the only man among us to have ever seen an actual gunshot wound and looks at Roger like he’s going to knife him. With a gun.


Oh no!

“Roger! You rat!

I explain the plot and everybody laughs. And plays with the guns. Gibson comments that he has to get himself one of them. Savage says that he thought I was acting strangely, and says how good it would have been if it had worked. I stare at Roger. Who looks away.

“Would you like a commiseration drink?”

“Yes please. A martini. With lots of olives. At least three olives.”

“Why did you do that, Roger?”

“Me? I did it just to feel normal again. If only for a short while.”



The IT Crowd – US vs UK



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