Birthday Awkwardness

Posted: October 18, 2011 in Chawn, Family Fortunes - Love A Bit Of Les Dennis, Schooldays



I am 25. For the first time. It’s my birthday, and I’m having a quality day with Birthday Breakfast Turkey Sandwiches, Birthday Elevenses Trifle in the park with Onion Ring Nick, Birthday Popcorn at the cinema, and Birthday Frankie & Benny’s for lunch. I’ve suggested Birthday Dessert – or ‘Birthdert’ – in the garden, and Mom and Dad have agreed.


We head to the car, where Dad suddenly remembers a conversation we had on the way to the cinema. “Did you still want to drive my Land Rover, Dan?” I grin. Mom agrees not to watch.


I press the button, and drive terribly. I struggle to get the car into 2nd gear, and barely manage to reach the other end of the car park. My teacher’s car’s much easier than this! Something isn’t right.


Something isn’t right, Dad!”

“Oh, did I leave it in low revs?”


Dad winks.


I look at him blankly. He takes the stabilisers off. I Discover, and it’s ace! I am a 10 year old, and I am driving a 4×4.



We arrive home and get stuck into some fruity action. Dad brings out two bowls of strawberries and cream, and places them before Mom and Himself. He looks at me. And smiles. I stop smiling.


Erm. Dad! You forgot mine…!”


Oh, did I leave it in the kitchen?…”


Dad winks.


He runs inside, and pulls out a pineapple. I am both excited and confused. “Look closer, Dan!” I look closer. And see a cut on its’ Jason Lee temple, allowing a small creamule to Michael Scofield its’ way down the side. Dad pulls off the scalp and reveals my strawberries and cream, served in a hollowed-out pineapple.


That’s amazing!”


It’s amazing! I am 10 years old in every way. Except age.




It’s time to leave, and I’m looking at Dad’s garage junk. Some of it’s mine, or was. I see a kid’s cup with Mario asking for two teas, and remember how greedy he looks. I would never do anything like that. I was never very good with plungers.


Then I see it.


The cup that takes me back to Friday night chips, Sunday morning porridge, and Jet from Gladiators! She may have kick-started my pituitary gland. It’s a cup from The Discovery Zone, a Wacky Warehouse/Chuck E Cheese that existed at the local biggest-shopping-centre-in-Europe for 20 minutes once.


Hang on, could he have been asking for a tea for Luigi? Or The Princess?! But she’s always locked up in castles. Yoshi? What would Yoshi drink? Hopefully not blood. That would be amazing! Zombie Mario! Bob Hoskins would definitely do it! And maybe Kate Winslet as Yoshi.


What if they did a movie where zombies could do awesome martial arts?


I grab the plastic white cup which for some reason has a picture of Leonardo the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle on it.


Hey Dad, please can I have this cup?”


Yeah, if you like.”


I pop it into my bag of Birthday Card and Present and Reduced Cabbage and step outside. A 10 year old man. With a 10 year old’s cup. This birthday is perfection.


I see someone. Someone I don’t recognise. A woman. A woman in shades. With a bag. I can’t see past the shades that so selfishly hoard her face, so pretend not to have seen her. I open the car door.




Oh no! I turn round. Dad has startedconversation.


You remember our boy, Dan?”


Yeah of course!”






How are you?”


Gah! I am now officially in conversation. With a woman I apparently know! “Fine.” Wait! Now I have to ask how she is! Otherwise this woman will think I don’t care about people I don’t care about!




Yeah, yeah, fine thanks. What are you up to now?”


I am on a bungee run and the bungee has had enough of my 10 year old antics! I’m being pulled back from the birthday world of a 10 year old into 25-year old awkwardness! Rubbish!


Hang on. What am I up to? That’s the worst question! Now I have to explain how unemployment and bloggery is an acceptable life direction! I should make something up! Tell her that I’m doing yoga! Or writing a book. A children’s book! A children’s book aboutyoga!


She smiles, and takes off her shades.


Oh. She is Greenhill’s little sister. Who is no longer little. But probably still his sister. I don’t think she’ll buy the yoga book. Even if I give her mate’s sister’s rates. What if I demonstrate limbering up?! She might call the police. Blech. I may have to actually tell the truth.But this is my birthday! I should be 10 years old!


What would a 10 year old do?


I know! And smile.


And pull my turtles cup from my bag.


And stand there.




I say nothing.


Oh, turtles! Nice!” says her boyfriend.


Yeah!” she contributes.


This is hilariously funny, but it’s somehow making things evenmore awkward. I decide to wrap things up.


So, yeah! Nice to se…”


Have you spoken to Greenhill lately?”


Oh no! We’ve spoken at the sametime! And I’ve used the official pulling-out line! She knows that I’m trying to get away from her!


No I haven’t.”

Yeah, he’s living in Solihull now.”


Oh right.”




Well, it’s nice to see you again, Dan!”


I smile, and raise my cup like it’s a toast. She walks away.


I’d like some toast.


Flipping heck Dad! That was awkward!”


Oh, was it?”


Dad winks.


We go to My Brother’s, and I eat Birthday Chinese.


I smile. And ask for two squashes.




I have now been blogging every week for a year! Thank you for reading and encouraging me to keep it up. Because my uni life is about to get pretty intense i’m going to only post blogs the first week of every month. (You may get a little Christmas bonus!) This is actually still pretty good compared to some people, and hopefully this way the standard of my blogs won’t dip too much beyond the inevitable slackening of pace and interest. Just think about Big Boots, and smile. I know i will.




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