The ‘C’ In Rap

Posted: March 1, 2011 in The World Needs More Canada

I am in Saskatoon. A BBC Bitesize-quality city in Saskatchewan. You Canadians may like to know that I used to hear ‘Saskatoon’ and think it was a different pronunciation of ‘Saskatchewan’, as in ‘Saskachoon’. It’s not. We’re 3 days into a four-month tour of Canada and my mind’s in pieces strewn across Alberta. What’s left of my brain has coalition-ed into a scissor-crazed snow globe. I’m in wonderland and finding blog material in the tiniest things; like Canadians going nuts over porridge and bricks. I’m in a dreamland, but one with a lot of roads. We’ve travelled 32 hours in 3 days, and something unbelievably shocking has just happened.

Rich has just had his first poo.

Since England.

The girls had been commenting about a smell in the van. Come to think of it, I had a conversation with Rich in our boot camp dorm about his 11 cans of Lynx as opposed to my 1. I thought I was weird, or that it just explained all his lady skills. Rich and I were great friends in training. We played football, ate endless ham and cheese, used bunk-beds as weights and had emergency McFlurrys. We got on wonderfully, without any problems.

Except for the morning mini-battles.

My alarm, ‘Sunlight’ by Dave Jones is gentle. And allows me to wake up slowly. But not Rich. Rich got woken up while I slept through it. Every morning.  Finally at his behest we came up with a new system; whereby if I slept in, he would help me to wake up.

I woken up with his face millimetres away. and wormed in horror. Also woke me up by pushing my springy bed until it bounced way off the frame. I opened my eyes to find myself feeling sea-bed-sick as I starred in Rich’s bounce-otechnics.

In fairness, I’ve had worse! Big Boots once woke me up playing a didgeridoo into my face. And the night after seeing 300 he took a rolled-up newspaper sword and our red lounge curtain and stormed into my room shirtless bellowing “Make ready your breakfast and eat hearty! For tonight we dine in Hell!” Which besides making me pull my covers up to my nose made me wonder what portion sizes are like in Hell. They must be tiny if you need to eat first.

In fact! I’ve done worse! Once at Roger’s House Party, I was told to wake the kids up. I immediately recalled the IT Crowd bit where Chris Morris shouts “ROY!!!” and jumps out on Roy stealing food from a vending machine. It’s class. And would work brilliantly with ten youth leaders bursting into a room of sleeping kids. We SAS’ed the rooms and dropped the bomb. The Roy Bomb.

It’s all good fun.

We’re staying with team leader Sarah’s wonderful parents Chris and The Bruce, who take us round a car showcase – in a shopping centre – before making us perogis; an ear-like dinner from their Ukrainian heritage. Canadians like to tell people they’re from places they’re not. Like somehow Kiev is cooler than Regina. Perogis are good! They’re like dauphinoise potatoes but without the sauce. Or the potatoes. And with ears.

We’ve ate, laughed and now it’s time for bed. Canadian houses are huge, and putting up 5 people’s no problem. Though finding beds is. My makeshift bed is 8 sofa cushions with a pillow and a quilt. Spot on. I dive onto it. It’s not very bouncy. Rich is unimpressed.

I disappear to do my teeth, and Rich has a bright idea. His bright ideas in boot camp included ham hidden in bibles and shaving foam hidden in slippers. He conspires with team leader Steve, whose name every Canadian thinks is Dave. Ste’s also full of tricksies and cackles with delight at the sound of Rich’s bright-eyed hatchling.

He reaches for the shaving foam.


I hear a cackling from the bathroom. That’s a bit strange, but then this is an amazing time of life! Who wouldn’t cackle?

I have a little cackle.

And swallow my toothpaste.

And splutter.

I emerge a few minutes later with minty-fresh intestines and get into my jimmy-jammies ready for bed. Rich and Ste are smiling. I love how happy everybody is! Nothing could spoil this moment.

I go to sleep.


A noise.

A horrible noise.

A horrible noise that’s getting louder!

I writhe.

Why are the hordes of Hell screaming into my ear? Menu envy? Hang on… That was a word. It sounded like “Yoooooooo!”

You is a word.


A horrible word! And now You’s laid down a beat.


I’m saying “Grrrr!” out loud. And I don’t care!


What the heck IS it? The noise has got me flailing around blindly. I’m not wearing my glasses and am in an unfamiliar bed. Anyone who wears glasses will tell you, there are few scarier moments in life. Except for if you find them, put them on, and see a Kodiak bear pushing your bed up and down and smiling. And wearing a Blues shirt.


I don’t even care what it is any more! Just where is the flipping thing??


A murmur. I think it’s my heart.

I breathe, and fall back into bed like a ballerina passing out.

I am in sleeping position.

I fall asleep.




I sit up and disembowel everything around me; until I uncover something. Something small. Something


The embodiment of evil. A phone! That’s somehow fallen between the two square cushions underneath my pillow. I punch it.

It doesn’t stop.

It’s gettING LOUDER AGAIN!!!!!!

I’m now half-awake. Half-awake enough to recognise the noise. It’s rap!!! I stare at the phone. There’s something familiar about it. Have I se…? Yes! I have seen it before! It’s Rich’s phone! But that’s not right! Rich knows how much I hate rap! The phone says ‘Souljah Boy’, and shows that it’s been set for the middle of the night.

I am filled with that intense anger you get when you’re about to kill a man. If this ‘boy’ really is a soldier, he’ll understand that sometimes people need to be killed! Only this isn’t a person! Not even a tiny one! It’s a flipping phone! And it’s not mine! Which means it’s indecipherable!

I let out a desperate cry.


The phone’s too loud for me to hear the delighted squeals of laughter from Rich and Ste. I somehow rip out its’ ileum and induce silence.

And fall back to sleep.


I wake up. The Bruce has made porridge. Ste and Rich are already up. Ste’s impressively clean-shaven.

“So, Dan, how did you sleep?”

I grumble.

Rich laughs, and speaks with magnanimity.

“Now, now Dan… It’s all good fun.”

I stare at him.

And change my alarm back to ‘Sunlight’.


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