The Pointlessness Of Twitter

Posted: November 1, 2011 in Chawn, Family Fortunes - Love A Bit Of Les Dennis
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I am swimming in junk mail. There’s always one or two real e-mails in there that force me to spool through. I’ve noticed lots of invitation e-mails from new websites. MySpace was first, and I joined it; but it has gone mental! I’m getting ridiculous amounts of ridiculous invitations to join ridiculously named websites.

Flickster.

Bebo.

Twitter.

I click.

‘Twitter is based entirely on the concept of status. What are you doing right now?’ I can picture the salesman’s hands waving around with showbiz fluff. He might as well be a candy floss-lollipop lady. His idea’s stupid, and will last as long as a second-hand poppadom.

I delete the e-mail.

It is a few years later, and my pastor has just asked if I too am on Twitter. I smile, and declare devoutly that I am not. I have held my ground! I am Braveheart! The English Braveheart! Someone who stands up for everything English! I am… John… Terry?!

I hope I am not John Terry. And so does my future wife.

Twitter is a website that – (as webgeeks don’t understand) – is entirely purposeless. The status idea’s already on Facebook, and done well. Twitter is simply a frivolous Facebook with a fraction of it’s substance. It is a fad. The current Chicharito.

I wish I was Chicharito. And so does my future wife.

It’s a way of mobilising large groups of people. Think about if you wanted to see if a film was any good… you could twitter the question and immediately get people’s reviews!”

My Brother’s a webgeek, and has joined Twitter. He has the ability to make me agree with him on things I totally disagree with him about. He explained the Alternative Voting referendum, and why AV was blatantly the best voting system; and now I recognise that the No campaign, dressing Messi as Messy, was the most publicly conspiratorial injustice of all time by our disgusting Great British aristocracy. My Brother has given Twitter a shot. If anyone can turn me round on it, he can.

But he hasn’t. You can mobilise people with free sausages. Or a photograph of Richard Moss, but I’m not into negative reinforcement.

You should join.”

I don’t join.

It is a few months later, and I am reading the work of Blog King Danny Wallace. He’s telling a story about asking Twitterers – or ‘Twits’ – to fax messages to his hotel to make him look important to the staff. He has mobilised a large number of people for an instant result. I am impressed! But then I don’t really use hotels. And if I did, I’d just take Richard Moss.

I may be a little into negative reinforcement.

I suppose not everybody has access to Richard Moss. Which is sad, but for those unlucky folks, there’s Twitter. I will concede that Twitter is a tool.

Your blog’s really good, Dan. How many hits are you getting?”

My Brother and I are eating Chinese, and he’s full of praise for my first successful online venture. Unless you count http://www.andromeda59.fanspace.com.

Loads, like 50 a week!”

That’s pretty good, but you could make it more. You need to increase your web traffic.”

Uh huh, how do I do that?” He smiles. “Advertise it on Twitter!”

I sigh.

I already post it as my Facebook status and email the Dan Mohr Blog group to let them know it’s up. Now you want me to log into a totally different website?”

Do it automatically.”

He shows me how to set it so that Twitter automatically tweets blog notifications, and somehow in the process, turns me into @DanMohrBlog.

I have joined Twitter.

But I am excited! I’ve thrown off the chains of militant pessimism and thrust myself into the new world! I am no longer John Terry! I am the new world! I am Phil Jones! Now I will mobilise the masses to read my blogs! I will become the toast of Stourbridge! A moral Starship Captain!

It is 3 months later and I’ve just remembered that I’m on Twitter. I smile, and wonder how the campaign’s going. I log in. And stop smiling. I have a few followers, but I already know them! And they’re all in the Facebook group! I want randomers to follow me! To tell each other how great I am! That’s the point of Twitter!

I am upset. Disillusioned. I have compromised my principles and been left hollow. A meatless curry. A conversation with the Ex. About John Terry. Who is climbing out of the back window in a towel.

I text My Brother, and within minutes we’re online. He shows me some celebrity accounts, and we notice that Danny Wallace often replies individually to messages from randomers.

So when I write something to them, the actual celebrities will read it?”

Yeah.”

Lightbulb! I get it! Twitter is not pointless! Twitter is for stalking celebrities!

I know that technically stalking is wrong, but I’ve already demoted myself to Ensign morally by associating myself with this webtrollope. I draw up a list. And get stalking.

I ask Jonathan Frakes if he remembers lending his voice to a computer game in the 90s where he said “it doesn’t work” a lot.

I tell Beverley Knight that her music suits out-takes.

I thank George Alagiah for being willing to read the news on Christmas Day. I know I wouldn’t be.

I suggest to Milo Ventimiglia a TV show where a fan brings together all the best superheroes and it somehow becomes real. It would have him and David Boreanaz.

I remind Don Cheadle of saying ‘His name is Lee!’ in the Rush Hour 2 outtakes, and ask him if there’ll be any more of that.

I consider stalking Danny Wallace. But no. Some people deserve respect. I consider stalking Aretha Franklin, but it’s late, and My Brother wants to go to bed.

Which reminds me of the last time I stayed up this late with My Brother…

I do one more.

It is the next morning, and I am online, excitedly browsing Twitter for the words @DanMohrBlog. Oh. I’m a social piranha. Not onecelebrity’s got back to me. I’ve been jilted by Jonathan Frakes! Judged moot by Milo Ventimiglia! Blind-sided (I’m not sure what that means) by Beverley Knight! Despised by Don Cheadle!

And the worst of them all

I have been gutted by George Alagiah.

Hang on… Wait! It’s not over! I click somewhere. And smile.

For I have had a reply. From Chris Hopkins. The bloke who hosted Channel 5’s late night advert-less money-spinner Quiz Call. Amazingly.

I smile.

Twitter is brilliant.

YOUTUBE CLIP OF THE WEEK!!!

Chris Hopkins has to fill for ten minutes while Quiz Call mends a technical issue!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNerxBHtVec

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Comments
  1. That Don Cheadle line cracked me up then and it cracks me up now.

  2. Andrew Wan says:

    @DanMohrBlog Here’s my anti-status. You don’t what I’m doing and I’m not going to tell you. na!
    I never read your brother’s twits? twerps? twardles? because they are nonsensical lines of misspelling often beginning with clever abbreviations like RT @bored.com or http:/rylybordtht i cnt bbovverred.

    Other than that, he’s quite an interesting guy.

  3. @Wandi I entirely agree although I may RT this later.

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