I am in the living room, calling Anders Limpar’s PS3 an Xbox360 and getting an amazing reaction out of him. It’s a glorious moment, and I decide to celebrate by showing Anders and Violin some more of my glorious moments. I destroyer my way to the internet, and in seconds Big Boots is holding his fingers in the shape of a gun and telling me what a nice job I’ve done. I smile. And turn to see Anders and Violin’s expressions.




“No.” says Anders, unnecessarily bluntly, possibly still irritated that I said his console was better than it was. Violin looks up briefly from his laptop, but quickly returns to his endless internet surfing.


I sigh.


DABB Productions was an amazing time of my life. Mucking about with Big Boots and sometimes just making stuff up about my friends that never even happened. Having a huge back catalogue of films is amazing. A massive investment in my future. My salvation.




And the squadron never dies.


I decide to throw one last clip at my housemates. I skip past High Helen and Wall Heath Dan In The Bathroom and type in a long name.


“Bear with me a sec.”


Violin and Anders smile, and in gleeful unison make ‘grr’ sounds like a bear. I smile. It’s classic. Even if it’s the eighth time they’ve done it tonight. I whip up Dan’s News from Canada and they both ignore it.


I sigh.


I guess every season has it’s own good moments.


I type in Bear Grylls.




I smile.



I am in Canada, driving my team of Street Invaders out to a tree-y type terrain an hour outside of Moose Jaw. We’re desperately missing gradient, and resident Mooseman Switztopher is leading us to a special place for a bit of a surprise treat. The team have no idea where we’re going. And I’m loving it.


“Where are we going Carson?”


I smile, as co-leader Carson looks up from the map that he’s clearly not reading.


“We’ll tell you in a bit Hilgendorf.”


She smiles.




I stop smiling.


“Sev? Seven? Seven? Eleven?


I lose it.


Alright! We’ll tell you in a bit. Just… bear with us.”

I hear myself, and smile.




Carson looks at me.


“What was that, Dan?”


I smile, and tell the team all about Violin and Anders’ bear thing, and they all start saying it constantly for the rest of the trip. I smile, and turn up Jamiroquai so I can’t hear them, before we arrive, and Switztopher leads us to a central place in the park. I spot some big bins with bear warnings on them, and point them out to Carson, who is from this province, and not worried. We split the team up and tell them to go and spend some time praying. Me and Carson will go and have some leader time, while Switztopher plays with his little boy by the cars.


“Where shall we go?”


“Let’s go up here!”


Carson off-roads up a hill into a thick wood, and I suddenly remember that he interned under legendary lack-of-health-and-safety youth pastor Delong. I sigh, and decide that it’s probably fine. He’s a genuine human Canadian, and I’ve done enough nearly dying in this country that I’ve probably got it locked down by now.


“What do you think then, Dan?”


“About Cole Train?”




“I hate him.”


Carson laughs.


“Not really. I do think he has good teeth, though.”


“I know, right?! That’s why I’m always punching him!”


I hear a sound, and pause. Before remembering how paranoid I get around Norwegish Jews and carrying on. Suddenly Carson stops still, and hushes me.




“Shhhh!! Dan!!”


I turn round, and see Carson standing rigidly, trembling, like he’s about to ask out Amy Kerr.




Carson says nothing, but points to his right, where I see something.


Something I’ve seen before.


On TV.


And something I’ve heard before.


In my living room.


Carson begins to walk backwards slowly, and I follow suit. Before long we’re doing a fast walk, and starting to enjoy the danger when we both hear it.




We run. We flipping run! And Carson shows his youth by pelting at twice my speed. Until I can’t see him any more. And I don’t know which way to run.


I freeze.


And tell myself to un-freeze. To un-freeze now! To get the motherflip out of there!


When I hear breathing.


Deep, deep breathing.


I shudder, and slowly turn round to see a bear standing on it’s hind legs before me. It’s glorious! But it’s a bear. And I’m going to die.


I have a thought.


I smile.


A crazy thought! But this is Street Invaders! God’s been doing crazy things all week! Maybe this is a thought from God! I decide to run with it, and if it works it will be one of the most amazing things of all time, like chipotle and yam fries. But obviously this isn’t gonna work. I can’t do anything to get out of this.


Which mean I might as well do something crazy.


Something hilarious.


I slowly reach into my pocket, as the bear walks slowly forward towards me. I pull out my iPod, and press some buttons.


Until I see it.


My last moment.


I take it.


I hold the iPod up as high as I can, and show on full brightness a picture from the night The Edge trashed the new McManus household. I show the bear a photograph.


A photograph of Richard Moss.


The bear looks at it, and lowers it’s front legs. It sniffs me, and I freeze with terror, before watching as the bear turns around and walks back into the trees. It disappears out of sight, before I run.


I flipping run.


And dive back into the car.


And smile.


DABB Productions. My salvation.





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