Secretly On The Pull

Posted: September 15, 2013 in As If I Actually Ended Up Going To Uni, One More For Love

secretly on the pull


It is Thursday. Clubday. Thursday is when I eat a club. I look up what a club sandwich is online. I force a small L into a baby tiger. And I go clubbing! At Planet, the cheap nightclub that has become my ventricular-fibrillation-inducing-dubstep home. Except when they play that one song.


And I will say this only once.


You cannot dance to The Verve.


Tonight I’m going to Planet with the Polish gang. Pre-drinks are in my kitchen. But I’ve received a text. Inviting me to pre-drinks. At her house.


Her. The English housemate of Agnieska. A woman who deserves her own TV show. Or at least a cameo in a Spy Kids movie.


…Agnieska will be in your kitchen… so it’d just be us…”


And my decision is made. Except that there’s a problem. Her… has a Him. And I won’t be that guy. So I’m going as a friend. To see a friend.


I Hugo Boss.


And sigh. Uni isn’t what I thought it would be. I’ve seen Good Will Hunting. And 21. I’ve even been 21! I’m single, haven’t joined a band, and I’ve not seen the word ‘Kappa’ anywhere. Except in charity shops, which may or may not have been in Good Will Hunting. I wasn’t really paying attention.


I walk towards the corridor door (or ‘corridoor’) and pause. This needs subtlety. Finesse! If they see me all dressed up; they’ll ask where I’m going! Danger!I don’t know much about girls, but I know this. If one finds out you like her before she likes you back, she freaks out. And Her is unavailable, so I mustn’t let anything slip. I must become subtlety. I reach the door.


And bomb it.


The door slams. I peg it down the first flight of stairs, where I see the lift.




Or, I can take the stairs, and hope I don’t get chased by some polish. I walk to the lift. And breathe.


Hi Dan!”


Oh no!


I look right, and see Agnieska and Kasia sitting on the floor for no reason.


You’re all dressed up! Where are you going?”


Erm… out.”






Oh no!


Erm… Asda.”


All dressed up?”


Ye…. yeah.”






Are you going to Planet later?”




Her… is going…”


Oh no! They’re fishing! Agnieska’s winking! They think I fancy Her! Like I’d be attracted to attractive women! How dare they!? I decide to relax, because I’ve activated my emergency default settings, and subtlety is now my middle name. Or Cyril. I wasn’t really paying attention. I stare at my mobile, and say something convincing.


Uh huh.”


Swish. No! Swoosh! I look up, and see Agnieska’s eye returning to position. She’s definitely wunk. Hallmate Jaideep arrives, and I jump on him to escape and peg it down the stairs. I reach the exit. And see Hallmate Li. Talking. To two girls. The same girls.


Hey Dan!”


I squirm, and decide to escape, by actually going to Asda to buy a bottle for pre-drinks. It’s £2.50. An unbelievably great expense! But for some Foxlydiate reason I don’t care. I have thrown caution to the wind. I have thrown £2.50 to the wind! For this girl is a friend! A very… hot… friend.



Ten minutes later I arrive at Her’s. I’m late, and sweaty from pegging it across town, when the door opens. Revealing Her.


In a towel.


I apologise profusely, and she sends me to her room while she gets dressed in the bathroom. I smile, and go in. And see two guys. And suddenly get very disappointed. They explain that the shop stopped selling drinks, so my bottle is pre-drinks. I smile, and pour some cupfuls. Into what could never be considered cups in a non-student house.


An hour later we arrive at Planet, and osmosis into the Miss Price-decor room before skanking. Her’s a trained dancer, and manages to look like a Rage Against The Machine-loving Cary Grant. Only a woman. The music’s great. Until it becomes bittersweet.


I say something once.


And smile. I love dancing, but I’m 25. Which is not 24. I just don’t have that energy! I decide to tactically sit out the meh songs. As does everyone else. Except Her. Who beckons me over! And whispers something into my ear. Something sweet. I smile, and was really paying attention. I begin to somehow dance despite the meh-diocrity.




She is resplendent. Audrey Hepburn. Shining. Literally on fire. I feel like a grandad living out his skanking fantasy, but to bad music, which is fine, because he’s probably deaf.


I am shattered.


I decide to sit down, and spend half an hour wondering if deaf people get music stuck in their head until Audrey looks over at me from afar. And smiles. And beckons me.




I sigh. Like the third housemate in Shaun of the Dead. And can’t say no. Even though I’ve probably definitely broken my neck. As a randomer moves in to dance with Her. Which I have to let happen. He kisses her hand, and gets a bit too close, before moving back to his gang. I ask if Her’s ok, because I wouldn’t like a bloke dancing up to me and kissing my hand. She smiles, nods, and carries on dancing.


Is that guy your boyfriend?”


She smiles.


No. I don’t have one.”


Eh? I thought you did.”


I did. But he ended it a couple of weeks ago.”


Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”


I’m definitely not sorry to hear that.


Meh. His loss.”


I agree.” And smile.


And see Agnieska staring at me. Smiling.


I stop smiling. As… she does it again.


She wunk.


Oh no!


She…. she knows!



It is a week later.


And I have not been invited to pre-drinks.


I sigh, and put on Bittersweet Symphony.


And don’t really pay attention.



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