dan mac vs rick grimes

 

 

I am at Housemate That Never Was Dan Mac’s stag in Devon. We’ve arrived at the beach and are standing outside a booth. And I am comfortable. I have no fear. I’m not even scared. It’s a stag, but we’re Christians…. and Christians are immune to pain. Or at least Dan Mac is. He picked up some sheep bits during the foot and mouth crisis, and if I’m honest, at that point I did fear for my life.

 

But I soon learned!

 

With Dan Mac around… everyone is safe.

 

Best Man has resurfaced, having spoken to a lesser man. He apologises, but we can’t surf today, as surfing requires wind. I tell Best Man that I can provide some wind, but he ignores me, and directs us to a kayaking place. I have kayaked before, and this is great news.

 

I can do this.

 

We climb into wetsuits and kayak along a river, and I am quite impressed with my ability to sit in a small boat for a little while. Big Boots oars over, and opens his mouth without touching it.

 

“Dan! Have you heard about the famous guy?”

 

“What?”

 

“Apparently there’s a famous guy off a TV show about a school with that other group that’s kayaking with us.”

 

“Really? Who?”

 

“I dunno.”

 

“Right.”

 

I decide to keep an eye open. And a space in my phone’s address book. If there is a celebrity here, he’s probably going to want to network.

 

Within a few wet minutes we reach the shore, and Kayak King tells us to leave the boats and walk up to the top of a pier. I have not yet realised that it’s a pier, but it’s fine. Because I do not fear for my life. Not with Dan Mac here.

 

“There it is boys! A ten metre drop!”

 

Kayak King points over the edge. It’s definitely an edge. And the edge always has a special place in my heart. The left atrium. The best atrium.

 

“So, you all ready to jump off?”

 

Huh?

 

“Sure!”

 

The groups agree to run up together and jump off as one. I look around. At Big Boots. My Brother. They are smiling. Which is bad. Because it means they’re gaming on! Am I seriously about to dive off a ten metre pier with a possible celebrity? If I jump – I’ll be just one of the crowd! A sheep! And celebrities don’t network with sheep! He’ll miss out! And we can’t have that! Won’t somebody please consider the poor celebrities’ rights?!

 

“3… 2… 1…”

 

The whole group run, including me.

 

The whole group jump off.

 

Excluding me.

 

And Kayak King. Who looks at me.

 

“What’s the matter, you scared?”

 

I sigh. What a blatantly erroneous interpretation of the sitch. I decide to set him straight.

 

“No! Dan Mac’s here! And besides, I feel good. Like I’ve kayaked well. I’ve achieved enough today, and also that whole celeb….”

 

“Yeah, whatever mate.”

 

We walk back down the pier, and I try to make conversation with Kayak King.

 

He ignores me.

 

We all kayak back to base and begin packing away. I grab one end of my kayak and a randomer picks up the other. We walk it inside a van and I give the randomer a thankful nod. He nods back, and I hope he doesn’t try to network, because I’m keeping that address book slot safe.

 

He ignores me.

 

I smile. And try to find the poor little famous fella.

It is a few years later, and I am at uni, watching The Walking Dead with new housemates Violin, Jackson and Anders Limpar. The episode is about halfway through when a memory bursts into my mind like a child running off a pier because of pier pressure.

 

My face goes blank.

 

Noticeably.

 

“You alright, Dan?”

 

“Yeah… I… I just recognise that guy…”

 

“Who?”

 

“Rick Grimes.”

 

“Oh yeah, he was in Teachers. Andrew Lincoln his name is.”

 

I stare at Anders Limpar. And smile.

 

“Yeah… that’s right. I, erm… once lifted a kayak with him.”

 

Silence.

 

Anders Limpar picks up The Destroyer, and the TV is paused. He turns to me with a look of bewilderment.

 

You… picked up…. a kayak… with Rick Grimes?

 

I smile.

 

“Yup!”

 

The boys laugh, and un-pause, just as Rick machetes a guy in the head. I stop smiling.

 

“Eep.”

 

“He didn’t do that when you were there, did he?”

 

My face goes blank.

 

Noticeably.

 

“Erm… nope.”

 

Rick stabs a man.

 

I breathe.

 

And pull out my phone.

 

And text Dan Mac to thank him for saving my life.

 

He ignores me.

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