Champions

Posted: May 31, 2011 in Back To The Edge

I am with Big Boots.

 

Being stared at by a parrot.

 

We’re in a church. Next to a sign calling it a church for champions; which makes me uncomfortable, because I haven’t decapitated anything in weeks. I look at the parrot. And evil-laugh in my head. I could kill the parrot, and be a champion! I begin plotting, but immediately notice that it’s cardboard. And four feet tall. And that killing a parrot probably isn’t quite the same as being Sam Worthington.

 

“What d’you reckon the film’ll be, Dan?”

 

It’s a movie night. Which is worrying, because the film hasn’t been announced. It could be anything. The bad kind of anything.

 

“It’s got to be pretty clean, because we’re in church.”

 

It’s definitely going to be Die Hard 4.

 

“And it’s got to be a bit girly, so not one of the Die Hards.”

 

Oh.

 

“Then… oh… oh please no! It couldn’t be…could it?!”

 

“Nah, don’t worry Dan. It won’t be Miss Potter.”

 

“But how do you know?

 

I am shaking Big Boots by the shoulders, which looks quite strange, but we are randoms and nobody’s looking at us. Except two girls. Who offer us a drink. Each.

 

We smile, and gratefully sip. We are persona non regate. Or whatever the Romans called two people not being talked to and J2Oing to mask their awkwardness. Surely there’s nothing intimidating about approaching me? Probably Bartley Green’s Tallest Man 2002?

 

I look at my watch. I haven’t got time for this. I decide to activate my default action man settings. And tap a man on the shoulder.

 

“Hi. Who are you?”

 

I almost pass out as my own bravado blazes the inner recesses of my brain. The hatches are open, and Big Boots steps in. It goes well! And we meet a man who went to our school.

 

We are in.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————–

It is 10 minutes later, and we are sitting at a round table with 5 blokes we’ve forced ourselves upon. Pastor Gillian asks if any tables have an uneven number. We do, so I raise my hand.

 

“Then would you like to move over to this table over here, for me?”

 

She points at a table.

 

A table full of girls. A table I’ll like.

 

“You’ll like that table, it’s full of girls!”

 

Oh no! I look at her with a smiley blush (or ‘slush’) and walk red-faced to the spare seat at the sorority table. The girls look at me, and slush.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————–

It is later. I’ve met some new female friends and eaten an absurd number of hot dogs. Pastor Gill takes the mic and announces the next game.

 

“Dan, why don’t you go up for our table?”

 

I smile. “Sure!” This is pivotal. If I do well in this competition, I will be a champion! With no feathers to clean up!

 

I and Sally take to the stage. We are the centre of attention. It all comes down to this. This quiz. This emotional trifle.

 

“And your category is….”

 

I will have films described to me, and I must work out the name. This is ace. I’ve watched films. Reservoir Dogs. Die Hard. I’ve pretty much seen every film.
“…girl’s films!”

 

Eep. The chicken foot is down. And licking my foot. This is my chance to shine? I‘m a gladiator in a tutu! But I must win at any cost! I turn to Sally, and give her a helpful hint.

 

“Think like a man…”

 

She looks at me like a woman trying to think like a man wearing a skirt. It looks painful. The first card is raised.

 

“What a girl wears at her wedding?”

 

I think. A wedding dress. A dress. Dresses!

 

“27 Dresses.”

 

Bang!

 

“A nice looking girl?”

 

“Pretty Woman.”

 

Bang! I am awesome. I blow through it and get them all bang on. I take my seat, and beam.

 

Big Boots stands up, with Jon from his table. We will do the double!

 

Gilbert & Sullivan opens the next envelope. And smiles. “Your topic is…” I know Big Boots. He wants horrors. Or M. Night Shamalon films. Something manly. “…Tom…” No! Not Tom Cruise films! But then, Top Gun? War of the Worlds? It might be alright.

 

“…Hanks films.”

 

Oh. Matthew Gilbert turns the first card. Big Boots describes.

 

“Shaving…”

 

“Woah!!!” Gilbertron interrupts him with horror, and Big Boots clicks that the word ‘Ryan’ is in the title, and is as such out of bounds. He gives her a thankful nod, and turns to Jon.

 

Who is stumped.

 

“It’s about a group of blokes who go after a kid with this name to rescue him from World War 2. Matt Damon’s the kid. Vin Diesel’s in it. And that guy from Friends. He quotes the bible before assassinating people.”

 

Jon shakes his head. And puts it in his hands. It is hilarious! Big Boots eats up the attention, and goes on. For every question. Before Guildford finally calls time on the cringing. Big Boots is… a champion.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————–

It is later, and we’re driving home laughing. “Tonight was ace. You were hilarious with your descriptions.” Big Boots smiles appreciatively.

 

“Although, let’s be fair, you were rubbish.”

 

“The heck!? Why d’you say that?”

 

“Because you gave him enough information that he’d easily get it if he’d seen the film, and then when it was obvious that he hadn’t, you just gave him more of the same.”

 

“Oh.” He pauses. “I may have done that.”

 

“Everyone in the room thought I was amazing though. Getting all my answers bang on!”

 

“Actually, a bloke came up to me and was like ‘is that your housemate?’ and I was like ‘nah.’’”

 

“The heck!? Why d’you say that?”

 

“Because I don’t wanna live with the bloke who watches all the girl’s films!”

 

“Oh.” I pause. “I may have lost some manly points for that. But I did eat a lot of hot dogs! Am I still a champion?

 

“Yeah, yeah, you are!”

 

I smile. “Thanks.”

 

“In the girls’ competition.”

 

I slush.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————–

YOUTUBE CLIP OF THE WEEK!

“Body Jazz”

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